“I luv u” “Be mine” “Hey cutie” are just some of the messages you see on candy hearts. I don’t know about you, but candy hearts are something I abhor. I am disgusted by every time I see one. I look at it, then crush it, with my foot. After I crush it, I spit on it. If I ever see someone eating candy hearts I smack it out of their hand. Sometimes I’ll buy candy hearts with the intention of propelling them in the mouths of students kissing each other in the hallways. If you can’t tell already, I’ve had enough with candy hearts.

Why Zach? Why do you hate candy hearts with a passion?

They make me sad, alright? Candy hearts make me feel more melancholy than a collie that just inhaled a melon. Like I understand they are manufactured with the intention of an average fellow gifting them for his sweetheart, or vice versa. But candy heart manufacturers need to understand that some people detest Valentine’s Day and don’t usually have a “sweetheart” to give these candy hearts to.

Don’t worry folks, that’s not the only reason why I hate candy hearts. Because yeah, if there is a rare occasion where I do have a girlfriend during February, I don’t buy her candy hearts at all. I don’t buy them because I believe that the messages are too stereotypical.

I believe that candy hearts are stereotypical in the sense that any ordinary John can express his feelings through those words. Why can’t they say “You make my heart flutter” or “You make me lovesick” I understand that those words wouldn’t fit on the hearts, so I came up with a very simple solution.

Make the hearts bigger, fools.

To be honest, that’s all I have to say about candy hearts. I’m done ranting. So I hope you all have a good Valentine’s Day, and don’t take your date to a substandard restaurant.