My brain is cracklin’ for oats

Zach Hundrieser, Lifestyles Editor

Human beings have radically evolved over the past 10,000 years. Back then, the wheel was being invented. Giant animals roamed the lands. There were cavemen bravely fending off dinosaurs with only sticks and rocks. Cavemen had long cool beards, and didn’t have a concept of hygiene.

But most importantly, they were eating the most crucial meal of the day… Breakfast.

What were those cavemen eating though? They were probably eating dead birds and woolly mammoths. Today however, we eat like kings compared to those savages. Today, we eat Cracklin’ Oat Bran.

What is Cracklin’ Oat Bran? Cracklin’ Oat Bran is a cereal introduced by Kellogg’s in 1977. Most people weren’t impressed; they were caught off guard that the same people who make Apple Jacks and Sugar Smacks were making an oat bran cereal. Men of all ages thought, “What kind of loser would eat oat bran?!”

Little did they realize, this oat bran was like no other. It was cracklin.

Of course Cracklin’ Oat Bran is not good for you, but then again none of the food I eat is good for you, so you really have to look past the fact how terrible this cereal is for you. Think about it this way though, doesn’t every cereal on the market have poor nutrition value? Every brand of cereal is negligent toward dietary needs. Even the cereal thats labeled as “Super Diet Mix” or “Healthy” or “Natural” really still is bad for you to an extent. Companies can advertise that their cereal has only 100 calories per serving, but how big are those servings? Have you ever actually measured cereal based on the serving sized? It’s not anything grand whatsoever. In fact, you shouldn’t try it because you will never hate yourself more after coming to the realization of how much sugar you ingest every morning.

So, what is it about Cracklin’ Oat Bran that sets it apart from every other Oat Bran on the market? First off, it’s cracklin’. Good luck trying to find another oat bran that’s cracklin. Second, have you ever tasted regular oat bran? It’s disgusting. It’s the equivalent of eating a dehydrated white dog refuse wrapped in sun dried tomatoes. Ok, I don’t know what a dehydrated white dog refuse wrapped in sun dried tomatoes tastes like, but I’m assuming that it tastes like regular oat bran.

Not too long ago, I wandered my way into the local supermarket in order to find the only breakfast cereal I find suitable for my consumption, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. As I roamed the cereal aisle, pacing back and forth observing each colorful box with cartoon animals printed on them in search of my precious, Cracklin’ Oat Bran caught my eye. It had no mascot, and appeared to be straightforward in terms of product description. I figured “Hey, I’ve been maxing on CT crunch for a good seven months. I should broaden my horizons and try this somewhat subtle cereal.” After shopping for other miscellaneous grocery items, I headed home to go on what would be an important taste journey.

When I got home, I started my ritual of putting groceries away. As I was putting away groceries, Cracklin’ Oat Bran kept catching my eye. It was almost as if it kept winking at me, and inviting me to take a spoonful of it’s cracklin’ deliciousness. I kept control, and repeatedly told myself I would wait for the next morning to crack ‘dat box open. Spoiler alert, I ultimately did not.

You know in cartoons, when the cartoon character gets like the crazy look in his eyes and his pupils turn into whatever is on that character’s mind? That happened to me, but with Cracklin’ Oats. I’ve never even had this cereal before up until this point, but for some reason I instinctively knew that I would be in for a ride far more wilder than Mr. Toad’s.

Now before you think I’m gonna rant and rave about Cracklin’ Oat Bran like I was earlier, I must point out it’s faults. The first bite you makes you holler, “Oh, my god, this is the Michael Bolton of cereal!” But then by the end of the bowl, it starts to feel redundant. The flavor just becomes way too much. Sure these oats may be cracklin’, but they are way more powerful if anything. It has a hint of cinnamon along with oaty flavors, which is good. Good to an extent that is. All that cinnamon flavor kind of just builds up in your mouth after a while. Another problem is that you can just taste the sugar flake off the oats when you bite down on them.

Did I mention how hard the oats are? Yes, I am warning you all right now. These oats will cut the roof of your mouth up more than Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries will. I realize that sounds like an impossible feat, but trust me Kellogg’s managed to triumph over the Cap’n himself.

Before this gets out of hand with wacky analogies and slightly inappropriate undertones, I have to admit that despite all of it’s faults Cracklin’ Oat Bran has a good soul. It’s trying to rejuvenate everyone’s view of oats. They want to make oats the top dog when it comes to breakfast, and they have the mentality that if they just add sugar, spice, and everything nice, people will hoard towards oats again.

So don’t be crackalackin, and go purchase yourself some Cracklin’ Oat Bran.