Clarion’s Presidential Fight Night

George Washington is practically a folk hero. He was the man mostly responsible for defeating the British in the Revolutionary War, and he could’ve easily become king but instead chose to become the reason that we have Presidents in the first place. So it's safe to say that I wouldn’t enjoy fighting the father of our nation, no matter what the outcome is. Now onto the matter of who would win thi...

Our second President was 61 years old by the time he took office, and stood only 5’ 7”. Adams never served in the Army, and as a member of the continental congress during the Revolutionary War he never saw combat. Adams spent most of his life worrying about the principles of Federalism, he’s not prepared to fight a teenager, I’ll make pretty quick work of him.

And now we get to our first really interesting fight, the outcome of my bouts with the first two Presidents are pretty easy to predict, but Jefferson and I are much more evenly matched. Jefferson was 58 when he got elected and he stood 6 feet 2 inches tall, weighing roughly 180 pounds. He certainly does have height and weight on me, but I’m willing to bet that Jefferson, a lifelong academic, was more s...

James Madison was a brilliant man and he contributed much to the Constitution, helping to create the foundations of Federalism. However, this fight doesn’t need much consideration; Madison was 5 foot 4 and scarcely over 100 pounds. Fight over, I win.

I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t know much about James Monroe before taking on this project, and if you had asked me last week, I would have guessed I could beat him in a fight. Unfortunately, my guess could hardly be more wrong. Monroe was an even 6 feet tall, and after growing up on a farm, he served in the Revolutionary War, in which he fought alongside George Washington, and was injured at the battle o...

J.Q Adams is a very tough case to analyze. The son of John Adams was 58 when he took office as the United States’ 6th President and like his father he stood 5 feet 7 inches tall and never served in any wars. While the immediate information may make it seem like I would have no trouble with Quincy Adams, that would not be the case. Quincy Adams, often regarded as one of our smartest Presidents, was...

Andrew Jackson might actually kill me. Our 7th President fought in the Revolutionary War as a teenager and spent the rest of his life fighting various Native American tribes. He also killed several men in duels during his lifetime and once nearly beat an attempted assassin to death with his cane. Jackson was as mean as they come; he’d probably spit on me once I was knocked out cold....

Van Buren was Jackson’s hand-picked successor, but the two men would fare very differently in fights against me. Van Buren stood just 5 foot 6, and was nicknamed “little van” by his critics and allies alike. Frontier legend and congressman Davy Crockett once called Van Buren a “dandy” which is pretty much 1800’s slang for saying “he can’t beat anyone in a fight.” So I’ll win my...

William Henry Harrison’s presidency lasted just 31 days, and because he was sick with pneumonia for most of that time, our fight will be short as well. Harrison’s sickness allows me to steal a win here, as he was a veteran of the War of 1812 along with several conflicts with Native Americans, so he probably would have smashed my skull in while healthy. I’ve got 39 Presidents left though, so I...

Harrison’s Vice President and successor Tyler isn’t remembered for very much, but his height is recorded at an even 6 feet, and he was only 51 when he ascended to the Presidency. However, it has been observed that he was thin and of frail health his entire life, which should give me a win here. I’m even more confident I would beat up Tyler because he is one of the few Presidents who I would ...

Polk accomplished everything he promised to do during his single term as President, but he never promised he could beat me in a fight. The man most responsible for realizing America’s “manifest destiny” was 5’ 8” and had generally poor health throughout his life. This one could end up surprising me, but given the information available I’ll predict that I beat Polk with only a few minor...

Taylor died just 16 months into his term, but as his death was sudden, rather than the end result of a long illness, we’ll assume that he is healthy for our fight. The former soldier in the War of 1812 made his way up the ranks of the military all the way to Major General during the Mexican-American War. While I would like to think I can beat up most 65 year old men who are an inch shorter than me...

Taylor's successor, Alec Baldw- I mean Millard Fillmore doesn’t have very much to be said about him other than that he was 6 feet tall and 50 years old when he became President. Fillmore never served in the military, but was said to be in pretty good health, and aside from being a really big dude, he just looks tough as nails. I’m gonna try my best to not overestimate myself here and say Fillmore be...

Pierce is often remembered as one of our worst Presidents, as he was unable to do anything to alleviate the tension caused by slavery, thus contributing to the Civil War. While Pierce was an inch taller than me, and did serve in the Mexican-American War, he was marred by several respiratory ailments during his Presidency, and was also known to be an alcoholic. Since he’d probably be seeing three...

Buchanan was likely the worst of our 47 Presidents, and much like he did nothing as Southern States seceded at the end of his Presidency, I expect him to do nothing in this fight. Buchanan was near-sighted in one eye and far-sighted in the other, which gave him vision problems and caused him to cock his head awkwardly down and to the left, this certainly won't help in our fight.. In addition to this...

Well I’m really not looking forward to this fight. Not only was Lincoln 6’ 4” and a talented wrestler who only lost one match out of 300, but he’s also an American legend who I don’t want to fight even in the slightest. However, I’ll do my duty and try to beat up one of the four men on mount Rushmore, and I’ll shake his hand and tell Lincoln how much I respect him after he’s beatin...

Andrew Johnson took over following Lincoln’s assassination, and wasn't half as good a President as his predecessor. I should preface this by saying that I could hardly find anything that would really indicate Johnson’s fighting ability. All I know is that Johnson was 5 foot 10 and had a stocky build. He never fought in any wars, but man he sure did look tough. This ones honestly a toss up, but ju...

Grant was a career soldier, who despite being just 5’ 7”  served with distinction in the Mexican-American War and was the most successful Union general in the Civil War. Despite being a distinguished soldier he was known to be quite squeamish around blood and would never eat any meat that wasn’ well done, so maybe he’d bail out after landing a few punches on me. However, I think Grant's pe...

Let's be honest, no one's gonna read about 47 different hypothetical Presidential fights, so I found a good place to save us all some time. The Presidents who served between 1877 and 1901, Rutherford B. Hayes, James Garfield, Chester A. Arthur, Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, and William McKinley were all pretty similar. They were all Republicans and Civil War veterans, except for Grover Cleveland, a ...

The first Roosevelt to occupy the oval office was likely one of our toughest Presidents. Teddy Roosevelt suffered from asthma and general ill-health in his childhood, but overcame it by simply embracing a strenuous lifestyle. He would even resign from his original position in William McKinley’s cabinet to fight the Spanish in Cuba. In possibly his most impressive feat, Roosevelt was once shot in the ...

William Howard Taft was a large man. A very large man. I cannot stress this enough, Taft was large. He stood 6 feet 2 inches tall during his Presidency, weighing a whopping 332 pounds. So yea, he was a big dude. I’d like to say I’m in good enough, and he in poor enough shape that I would win this fight easily, but regardless of his physical condition, the man was quite literally twice my size. ...

Wilson, who is probably best known for trying to keep the US out of World War 1, was a terrible racist, who made too many vulgar comments about black people in his life to pick just one. So yeah, I won’t mind beating Woodrow Wilson up, and I should have no trouble doing so since he was in generally poor health throughout his life, and especially during his Presidency after he suffered a stroke whic...

Harding, who died just two years into his term, is generally regarded as one of the worst Presidents due to the fact that he allowed his administration to be filled with corrupt officials. Harding was also said to be more interested in women than his duties as the President, and was prone to panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. So given the fact that he’ll either be chasing after girls or freak...

Calvin Coolidge was a very strange man. The two things our 30th President enjoyed most were dressing up as a cowboy and window shopping; this leads me to believe that Coolidge wasn’t much of a fighter. However, Coolidge hated big government so much that I think he’ll decline my invitation to fight, so I win this one by default.

Herbert Hoover was 6 feet tall and weighed 220 pounds; he was also probably done with everyones complaining after all the criticism he got. I’m gonna get beat quickly in this fight.

FDR got the US out of the Great Depression and through World War 2, many argue he was one of our best Presidents, but I think most people would underestimate his fighting capabilities. Yes, Roosevelt was wheelchair ridden for most of his Presidency, but he was known to exercise his upper body frequently, and was pretty muscular from the waist up, so this will be no easy fight. Basically I would just n...

When Truman was first elected to serve in the Senate as a representative of Missouri, it was on the back of the Pendergast political machine. This organization, who’s leader went to prison for tax evasion during Truman’s time in the senate, was known to have ties to the Kansas City Mob. In light of this information I think I’ll throw this fight, I’ve got 14 Presidents left, I don’t need any mobste...

This is the guy who planned and oversaw D-Day, I don’t stand a chance, Ike will beat me in seconds.

JFK was one of our most youthful Presidents, and just by looking at him you might think that he would win this fight easily, but that isn’t quite true. Kennedy was plagued by back problems for his entire adult life, and developed an adrenal insufficiency shortly after World War 2, which caused him to fatigue quite often, he wasn’t in shape to fight anyone. So since I’m the only one lining up to...

Crowds protesting the war in Vietnam outside the White House often chanted “LBJ, LBJ, how many boys did you kill today?” In this scenario one of those boys would be me. Johnson was a 6’ 4” war veteran from Texas; I anticipate my head being between his boot and the ground within seconds.

Richard Nixon tried to cheat his way into a second term. I’m sure he’d find a way to cheat in this fight. Unfortunately for me, no ones gonna try to impeach Nixon over cheating a high schooler out of a fight, so I predict he ignores the no weapons rule and hits me over the head with an empty bottle seconds into the fight.

Gerald Ford might have been in the best shape of any President, he was a former football player at University of Michigan, and stayed in athletic shape well into his later years. Ford would probably treat me like he treated Ohio State Quarterbacks during his college days. My beating would be so bad, he’d get flagged for unnecessary roughness.

“He's a great guy, but a terrible President,” is the classic line about Jimmy Carter. I think it’ll apply to his skill as a fighter too. I’m not gonna feel good about beating up on Jimmy Carter, but at the end of the day I think he’ll just be too nice to really fight a teenager. I’m sorry Jimmy.

Reagan was 69 when he took office, the gipper was certainly no spring chicken. The conservative icon, actor, and former governor of California (yes, California voted Republican once upon a time) saw the downfall of the USSR while in office, but could he see the downfall of me during a fight? Reagan's age is obviously a major factor in this, but for a man in his 70’s, he demonstrated pretty decent p...

The first Bush to occupy the White House is often regarded as the better one, yet he failed to gain reelection for a second term. H.W was 6’ 2” and 65 years of age when he became President in 1989; there doesn’t seem to be anything particularly good or bad about his physical condition. Let's be honest, you’re just trying to finish this article, and so am I, so I’ll give the advantage to he...

Bill Clinton is 6’ 2”, but he looks a whole lot bigger than that to me. I could make a Monica Lewinsky joke here, but I already know Mr. Helgeson would never let me publish it, this will be one of the quicker losses for me, bringing the losing streak to three.

I’ll be honest, I really thought I could beat George Bush up pretty easily, but my research couldn’t have proven me more wrong. For whatever reason I thought Bush to be like 5’ 10” at most, but nope he’s an deven 6 feet tall. He also ran several miles a day, five days a week during his Presidency, and he did it so fast that his security detail could hardly keep up with him. He was also o...

Obama’s doctor pronounced him to be in “excellent” health during his first term, and was known to play pickup basketball and other sports throughout and since his time in the oval office. If you can still do that at 48 you’re in pretty great shape. So not only would Obama absolutely embarrass me on the basketball court (have you seen his jumper?) but he would beat the crap out of me too. ...

Well one thing is for sure, Trump would hype our fight up more than any of the other Presidents. I can see him now, making speeches pronouncing how he’s gonna beat the living daylights out of me. I’m sure he’d call me short, skinny and stupid. I’ve had a few people tell me they think I could beat Trump during my time writing this, citing his portly figure and rich upbringing, but I think th...

Finally I get an easy fight. Biden has enough trouble remembering his own name, and I can hardly imagine him being capable of fighting me or anyone else for that matter. I might just blow air in his general direction or blast some Playboi Carti really loud, because I think Biden is the only President I may seriously injure in a real fistfight.   P.S if you are a secret service member rea...