William Kraft

Clarion’s Presidential Fight Night

President’s Day isn’t exactly the most widely celebrated holiday across the United States, but it certainly has reason for existing. George Washington, Joe Biden and the 44 men in between have each made unique contributions to our nation’s history during their respective times as commander in chief. I could issue my personal ranking of each and every President, or write about each one’s greatest accomplishments and worst shortcomings, but I think we can all agree to let the experts take care of that. Instead, I’ve decided that the best way to appreciate the men who have steered our nation to where it is today is to answer one simple question of each: could I beat them in a fight?

Before I really begin, I should set a few parameters for the 46 hypothetical fights which I’m about to undertake. To set it up, the fights would take place one at a time, this isn’t a large-scale brawl. However, they won’t be very organized either, my confrontation with each of our Presidents will be more of a “let’s take this outside” type deal than a traditional boxing match, still it will be a fight with our hands alone, no outside weapons can be used. I’ll mention the President’s height and weight frequently, so the reader should know that I’m 5’9” and weigh around 155 pounds to best comprehend how I stack up. I should also specify that I’m fighting each President during their time in office, so yes I’m very sorry Franklin Roosevelt you will have to fight me from your wheelchair.

I’d like to finish my introduction by saying that I harbor no personal resentments against any of these Presidents while I’m fighting them. I truly will find no enjoyment in beating up on tiny little James Madison, and I’m sure being on the receiving end of an Abe Lincoln right hook will be even more unpleasant, but in the words of John F. Kennedy, “Things do not happen. Things are made to happen,” and I intend to make some Presidential beatings happen.

George Washington
John Adams
Thomas Jefferson
James Madison
James Monroe
John Quincy Adams
Andrew Jackson
Martin Van Buren
William Henry Harrison
John Tyler
James K. Polk
Zachary Taylor
Millard Fillmore
Franklin Pierce
James Buchanan
Abraham Lincoln
Andrew Johnson
Ullyses S. Grant
Rutherford B. Hayes-William McKinley
Theodore Roosevelt
William Howard Taft
Woodrow Wilson
Warren G. Harding
Calvin Coolidge
Herbert Hoover
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Harry S. Truman
Dwight Eisenhower
John F. Kennedy
Lyndon B. Johnson
Richard Nixon
Gerald Ford
Jimmy Carter
Ronald Reagan
George H.W. Bush
Bill Clinton
George W. Bush
Barack Obama
Donald Trump
Joe Biden

In Conclusion

Liam Mathews, Editor-in-chief

So my final record sits at 21 wins and 26 losses, maybe not the best performance but I’ll say I’m proud of my performance. In writing this article I very well may have overestimated my ability to beat up fully grown men, I’ll admit that, but I don’t think I made any predictions lacking in reason. I’d also like to clarify that I hold no wishes for violence on or towards any President, be it...

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