Clarion

Zach Hundreiser

Zach Hundreiser, Media/Layout Editor

The tears of Angels rained down upon the land as a feces encrusted baboon found me swaying and basking in the filth of other animals in the woodlands of Africa. The baboon then raised me in the air, as if I was a prophet, and that was the moment God knew shenanigans were about to ensue. I was raised by baboons until I was 5 years old, then I was adopted by the Hyena as their own when they ate my baboon family. I then learned to be a savage hunter, and betrayed my Hyena family by eating their young. They didn't kill me however, but banished me out into the wilderness because they knew I would've taken them down. On the brink of starvation, a young American explorer by the name of Frank stumbled upon my almost lifeless body, and shot me with a tranquilizer. I then awoke chained to a pole in a candle lit tent. Still feral and angry, I was foaming at the mouth and trying to break free. Frank then busted in and screamed "Hey, stop being an idiot!" and hit me with a stick. He then proclaimed "I'm making you my son, so prepare to be schooled brother." Although I was reluctant at first to learn the human ways, Frank enticed me with raw Vervet meat, and immediately I was on board. I was then taught the ways of the Americans, and was taught the benefits of capitalism, rock'n'roll, hot dogs, and eagles. As I approached the age of 7, Frank took me back to the strange American state of Nevada, where I was considered the coolest thing since Jesus. Little did they know, I was Jesus.

Zach Hundrieser. Most know him as Gnarfield, because he likes Garfield and he is Gnarly. If you ever are offended by his articles or actually want to congratulate him on just being the greatest human being and most handsome man alive feel free to contact him at [email protected]. Enjoy the silliness while it lasts folks.

All content by Zach Hundreiser
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Zach Hundreiser