Winter is coming, and when I say winter is coming, I’m actually saying it already came. It came hard.

It’s no secret that the general public have gone to drastic measures to protect themselves from the extreme winter chills that have been spanking us on the bottoms for the past three months. Everyday, I see people that vaguely resemble the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man trying to protect themselves from the potentially dangerous weather.

Everytime I look at them and think “How could someone protect themselves, AND look good?”

That question has haunted me for the past three months, but after extensive and exhausting research I have compiled what seems to be the most staggering and astonishing list of clothing articles that will turn heads while bundling your skin from the despicable final clutches of the dastardly Chicago winter.

The Duster

To start things off, this coat needs to come back in style. I don’t care what any of you Clarion readers have to say about dusters, they look way cool. Of course that was all sarcasm right there, dusters are for cowboys. I just want to take the time to sit here and bash the duster for everything it stands for. Dusters are only good for Kurt Russell to pull his guns out of. If the duster was a celebrity, it would be Kid Rock. And no Kid Rock, that was not a compliment, you smelly washed up Republican. If I could personally kick the inventor of the duster in the nether region, I would. Why? Because he created the duster. I honestly am getting sick right now thinking of dusters, and if someone were to look at me in person as I type this, would see that I am visibly upset about thinking of the duster. There is no way anyone can defend this garbage of a coat, and if you disagree with my statements about the duster, then please do yourself a favor and change your opinion.

The Leather Jacket

Full of perks, the leather jacket really knows what it’s doing when it comes to coat shopping. The leather jacket is really universal when it comes to style. You can be going for a whole array of looks with this jacket powerhouse. People could shop for quality mens biker vests at Leather Stand. This can  think that you’re going for the biker look, hipster look, punk rock look, etc. Sometimes that can be a real issue though, because you do have to clarify what you are trying to go for in terms of style. But fear not, as the leather jacket does have more perks. The leather jacket is also known for really hoarding all the ladies, so unless you’re a total nerd with nerd qualities, get the leather jacket if women aren’t your vice. Leather jackets are also great during the winter, spring, and fall. So if you need a reliable source of warmth throughout all four seasons, get yourself a winter coat. Now here comes the dreaded negatives of the mighty leather jacket. First off, you could easily get swindled into buying a low quality leather jacket. Target is very guilty of this, so Target if you happen to come across this article, stop selling leather jackets. I’m serious. The other negative I really wanna focus on though, is that you are wearing another animal’s skin. Think about it, the animal you are wearing could have had a family for pete’s sake. So think about that. But if that doesn’t bother you, consider a leather jacket.

The Detective-looking Trench Coat

You really don’t see anyone where trench coats anymore except goth kids and people with real bad social skills. Well, I guess both are pretty much the same thing. Anyway, the general public can pretty much agree that the trench coat is a dead style, and it will probably never come back. But I’m bringing it back. I’m not talking about the goth looking all black trench coat, I’m talking about the Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries detective looking trench coat. Seriously, it needs to come back. Sure there’s an occasional business man wearing it while on his way to work, but in order for it to come back we need hip teenagers wearing them to school. So what are the perks to wearing a detective looking trench coat? You get to look like Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries. Thats about it. Oh, and they’re warm too I guess.

The Parka

If you are looking for maximum warmth, you really can’t go wrong with a parka. The parka was made famous by Eskimos, and is truly a jacket worthy of keeping warm the most important people of our great sovereign country. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t get in on it too. Most stores that carry coats and coating products will usually carry parkas of different varieties. Different varieties you say? Different varieties I say. You can usually find your average joe parka with the “fur” lined hood. But sometimes, and I mean SOMETIMES if you are truly lucky, you might come across a snorkel parka. No, you can not go snorkeling with this parka. The snorkel parka is basically a parka, but on every steroid that Lance Armstrong took. Although I have been gloating on the perks of wearing a parka, I do have to talk about the two faults that to me make parkas inferior. One, they look butt ugly. I would rather where an alcoholic homeless man’s sweat stained and vomit encrusted tank top to be completely honest. Second, they really do make you look like you’ve gained a couple extra pounds. And with that statement, I really mean it makes you look fat. So if you want to be super warm but look fat at the same time, go for the parka.

The Peacoat

The greatest factor about a peacoat is probably that no matter who you are, this jacket makes you look ten times smarter. You could look like you’re from the backwoods of Louisiana and instantly turn into a Harvard scholar with this jacket. Not only that, but no matter where you purchase this cloak of warmth, you are guaranteed to buy a quality product. What’s also a pro to this jacket is that you can find one literally anywhere. Dude, you could even go to a shanty goodwill in the middle of the hood and buy one. The key question is however, does it live up to it’s warmth rep? My answer, it sure does. In fact, due to it’s intelligence enhancing capabilities and warmth factor the peacoat has become my coat of choice. Everyday when I stroll my way down to RB you can see my beautiful self sport and rock the peacoat.

There you have it, the universally accepted definitive list of different coats to wear during the winter (except the duster) as said by about seven people. Now although I may have very strong opinions about coats, it really is your decision on what you want to wear in the end. Don’t let other people’s words yield you into thinking that you have to wear what society deems “cool” or “normal” Unless you’re a total nerd, you and your style is probably really cool in your own way. So you get your buns out there, and you get yourself whatever kind of coat you want. Unless its a duster.