How to survive Krampus


Zach Hundrieser, Media/Layout Editor

Continued from the Clarion hardcopy…

When I was approached to write this story, I was weary. I was lost in a state of shock and confusion, wandering deep inside the bowels of thought. What were those thoughts, you ask? Thoughts of how. How could one survive the most brutal, soul shivering, vile, menacing demon-man-goat? This isn’t just any article dedicated to surviving the holidays. No, no, no.This is how to survive Krampus.

For those of you who have never experienced Krampus, Krampus is pretty much the “anti-christ of Christmas.” He is the exact opposite of jolly ol’ St. Nick. Krampus is a half-man, half-goat demon. His weapon of choice is a chain, which he sadistically whips the “naughty” children with. But if you are the baddest of bad children on Christmas, then you are due for a special trip. A trip to the Underworld. I’m literally not kidding, you go to Hell if you are a bad child on Christmas.

Now, how could one possibly survive this treacherous and sinister beast of a man-goat-demon? Don’t be a Scrooge this Christmas. If you are good, then no Krampus. Very simple. Krampus=naughty. No Krampus=nice. Ja feel? Ja feel.

Let’s say, though, maybe you looked at your presents early this year. Or maybe you bullied the little, defenseless, chubby kid who lives down the street. You obviously have been naughty. It seems as if there is no hope if you’ve been naughty, and you’ll be dragged down to the underworld to rot for an eternity. But don’t worry little Billy, there is hope. There’s always hope when you talk to Zach Hundrieser. There are three steps as to surviving Krampus. Follow these steps and you’ll be golden, Ponyboy.

The first step into surviving Krampus is to make sure you booby trap the house. Put barbed wire around the crevices of every window. This’ll ensure that disgusting, hairy, goat-doodie-face won’t be able to break into your house. Another way to booby trap the house is putting a bucket full of broth on top of a slightly cracked open door. What kind of broth you ask? Make sure it’s broth from Campbell’s Tomato Soup. The Krampus hates tomatoes.

The second step is to arm yourself with a Walkman. The Walkman is not a weapon perse, but it will stop the Krampus dead in it’s tracks. You see, the Krampus is a sucker for music. The Krampus thinks iPods are too mainstream, he’ll never turn down a walkman. The Krampus will prefer to listen to Foster The People. No noxious, desolate, repugnant, simpleminded, feral creature will ever skip a Foster The People song.

And finally, the third and last step if you want to survive Krampus is to always leave the television on Fox News Channel. The Krampus is a hardcore conservative, and will always be more than happy to stop what he’s doing and join in on liberal bashing and lying. The Krampus, although not dimwitted, does have trouble when it comes to using television remotes, and cannot turn off a television for the life of him. He may blame it on his stubby goat hands, but you know that he’s incapable of working a television remote. Most Krampus researchers hypothesize that it may be due to the fact that Fox News is always on his personal television, so he never developed the skill of handling a remote.

If all of these steps fail, then I have failed you, hopeless Krampus victim. The only thing you can do at this point is accept your fate by living a life of listening to the Krampus ramble on about conservative politics and how much he hates tomatoes… And liberals.