Why you should be very afraid of the Coconut crab

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Why you should be very afraid of the Coconut crab

Art by Ali Beatty

Art by Ali Beatty

Art by Ali Beatty

Art by Ali Beatty

Liam Mathews, Story Editor

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There are certain things in this world that are undeniably true: humans need food, air and water; fire is hot; the earth is round and Coconut crabs are scary as all hell. Their name may not be intimidating, but trust me, these things are pure nightmare fuel.

Coconut crabs can measure over three feet across and up to nine pounds, their claws can exert more force than most animals bites, and they can live up to 120 years, according to National Geographic. If you give them the chance, these things will crawl up to you or pounce on you from a tree (did I mention they can climb?), crush your bones with your claws and go on to outlive all of your friends and family. 

As if that was not enough, let me tell you the coconut crab has no known predators. That’s right, nothing is out to get these things. Their power is going unchecked, once all the humans are gone Coconut crabs will rule the world. 

While it may be some time until coconut crabs reach world domination, they currently are only found in uninhabited islands in the South Pacific, so they can still do some damage from there. Researchers for The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery (TIGHAR) have recently developed a theory that Amelia Earhart crashed on a small pacific Island called Nikumaroro in the Republic of Kiribati, died there, and was then torn apart by Coconut crabs. While this is just a theory, I don’t think it’s too far fetched for those devil crustaceans.

Now I am not a big fan of crabs or crustaceans in general, but I would not say I dislike them, and I am definitely not afraid of them. So how can I be afraid of the Coconut crab, you ask? Well that is because these things have no damn business being so big and so scary if they are actually crabs. I am serious, I actually think that Coconut  “crabs” are some sort of demon meant to scare humans.

I doubt very many people will read this article, but if even one person reads it and realizes that they are not scared enough of Coconut crabs, then my mission is accomplished. Thanks for reading, and please, never go near a Coconut crab.