Clarion Exclusive With Cupid

Cupid, is that you?

Cupid, is that you?

Michael Fanta and Micah Rookus

With Valentine’s day right around the corner, who better to interview than the one and only Cupid? He is the symbol of Valentine’s Day all over the world, except in North Korea, where Kim Jong-un is the symbol of everything. Cupid is not very tall, just two feet. He happens to also be a chubby baby. His choice of weapon is a bow and arrow. But this bow is not for killing people, it is for making people fall in love.  However, the arrows do hurt.  Why must he do this?  Who knows?  Now, Cupid will tell you himself!

Clarion: How did you become the Angel of Love?

Cupid: I went to Harvard and got a degree in law, but I was so sad to see the lonely law-enforcers. It was a very depressing sight.  This one guy, named Jerry, only had his pillow and his iphone 3G. So, I prayed to the Heavens for the ability to make people happy, and less lonely. I heard a knock at the door, and no one was there.  Then, I looked down to see a pink bow and

arrow, ripe for the taking.  There was a note in gibberish that I roughly translated to: “Make da peeps lovey.”  Maybe not the safest method of spreading love, but to this day love is in the air because of that bow and arrow.  I shoot people in the face, butt, arm, almost anywhere!  Well, except certain areas, like the eyes.

Clarion: Have you ever hurt anyone with your bow and arrow?

Cupid: There have been a few minor injuries to my clients, including an amputated arm, a broken spine, and a fractured skull. With the arm, he had it coming. The dude was getting way too cocky about his new girlfriend. He wouldn’t admit that I helped him, so I shot his arm. I can’t believe he started crying! It only fell off.

Clarion: What’s your favorite Valentine’s Day Movie?

Cupid: It is between Wall-E and Saw.  They’re both fantastic love stories, and there’s a great moral to both of the stories. In Wall-E, we learn that if you’re a robot, you have the capability to save the entire human race, and even have a love life.  In Saw we learn that we should never, ever play a game!  

Clarion: How old are you?

Cupid: I am at the young age of 2,000 years old.  I’m told my kind live forever, so that’s pretty cool.

Clarion: Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?  (Sponsored by Batman and Superman).

Cupid: Batman, of course!  Who needs laser-shooting eyes?  Batman probably has a gadget that can do that!  Plus, he’s more popular, so of course he’ll win.