Outrage from the community poured down on the Eco Club last week when it was reported that freshman Brian Buh had been eaten by an escaped Terra-cycling Pterodactyl.
The Eco Club’s Terra-Cycling program takes used chip bags and other recyclables and makes them into trendy backpacks and lunchboxes. The Eco Club has kept a tight lid on why it chose to capture and train the sky beast, knowing full well its capacity to devour human flesh.
“I don’t know why we did it. The thing can’t make anything,” said our informant, who will remain anonymous. “I guess we figured it would be cool to have a Terra-Cycling pterodactyl, you know, get some public attention on what we do. That didn’t exactly go as planned. We never wanted it to hurt anyone. We thought it was domesticated.”
Until recently, the winged thunder-lizard was thought to be extinct, and most large mammals were perfectly fine with that.
“Am I happy it’s back? Is that a joke? It’s a flying predator the size of a sedan, so no, I’m not happy,” said freshman Jeremy Bartmann. “That’s like asking if it’s cool that sharks grew wings and started hunting in-land. It’s not cool. I’m going to hide under tha…” Our interview was cut short as Bartmann was grabbed by one large claw and pulled away into the sunset.
After offering a few freshmen as a temporary peace offering, the pterodactyl settled down long enough to offer an explanation for its actions.
“Skwaaaaaaak Screeeeeeeeee Graaaaaqu, Eeeeeerrrrkkkkkkkkkk,” it said.
So now that human beings have lost that cushy spot on the top of the food chain, how will you survive? Your friends at the Clarion have come up with a few life saving tips that you need to know!
- Never go out at night.
The thought of a reptilian beast may falsely lead many to believe that it will only be active while the sun is out to warm its icy, unforgiving blood. Unfortunately for those people, most experts agree that the pterodactyl’s telescopic eyesight only improves as its environment cools down, allowing it to clearly see warm-blooded animals with its thermal imaging.
- Always move in packs.
This one may seem counter-intuitive at first. Why would you want to give the monster more options? The better question is why wouldn’t you? Traveling in packs increases the odds that the pterodactyl will chose to eat one of your friends instead of you, particularly one who lacks the athletic prowess to avoid death, which brings us to tip number three.
- Always bring at least one freshman with you.
From recent reports, the pterodactyl has developed a taste for freshman blood. The most prevalent theory to explain the trend in eating is that freshmen haven’t become callused from high school life yet, making them extra juicy. For the safety of all upper-classmen, at least one freshman should be brought along on all excursions, especially at night.
If you follow these rules, you may be able to live, at least for a little while, with the new predatory overlords.
