Clarion

It’s the Spicepocalypse!

Connor Robey, Staff Reporter

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As fall has finally arrived, with it’s weather that requires you to wear a hoodie in the morning and a t-shirt in the afternoon, and it’s leaves that need to be raked, I’d like to address something that is a growing sensation for fall. Pumpkin. Spice. Everything. It started with something as simple as the pumpkin spice latte. The pumpkin spice thing that started it all. Without it, this tragedy of an event wouldn’t of happened. But we suspected nothing. It was strange, sure, but delicious. But then, it started getting… Weirder. In Japan, you have the pumpkin spice burger. Pumpkin spice Pringles, replacing the salty goodness with the taste of pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice lasagna! Lasagna! Just think about that for a second. But, there is one pumpkin spice abomination that truly disturbs me to my very core. Pumpkin. Spice. Apple cider. They made the classic fall drink into a monstrosity of pumpkin. It’s official, the pumpkin spice epidemic has officially tightened its hold on the planet. It’s the spiceoclalypse!

 

Only a select few of us will survive this pickle of a pumpkin pandemic. I currently have my Febreeze gun that I will fire as much as humanly possible at any scent of pumpkin spice. I also have my rations of replacement spice items to survive the hunger. I have, all-spice, every album of the Spice Girls ever, and Old Spice. Enough stuff to keep my spice levels stable while avoiding the toxic pumpkin spice. What’s my goal you ask? To survive. To survive and then take things back to a simpler time. Back when the only things that were pumpkin flavored were pumpkin pies and pumpkin ice cream, and the fall drink was apple cider. To cleanse this earth of the corruption. The sweet, pumpkin flavored corruption.

 

With that my fellow humans, I leave you with the responsibility of surviving. I encourage you to pursue the dream of destroying the very concept of pumpkin spice afterwards.Until then, I will give you one last piece of advice. If you see pumpkin spice maple syrup, run for your life. Goodbye for now, my spiced survivors.

About the Writer
Connor Robey, Staff Reporter
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Connor Patrick Robey. A simple name, but one that will go down in legend as the first man to ever find the secrets of the Illuminati. A man who the prophecy dictates, will turn to the side of evil and bring fire and brimstone to humanity. But until that fateful day, oblivion arrives, he has decided to spend most of his time making a fool of himself and being WAY too extroverted. You know what? This sounds like the plot of an animated film. (Hey Pixar! Get on this!) Anyway, Connor’s other hobbies include injecting a rare pepe, going to the Paul Blart Flesh Mall, and the unpredictable and unstoppable power of the 360noscope. Unfortunately, the power is too much for Connor, and is slowly eating at his soul. This is what will cause Connor to turn to evil! 

Connor Robey is a sophomore and this is his first year at Clarion. He is really excited for this experience. He is involved in Improv club, the fall play, Anime club, and anything else related to acting. You can contact me at [email protected]

 

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Free of Bull, Full of Bulldogs
It’s the Spicepocalypse!